RECLAIMING MY VIRGINITY:
13 True Stories of Healing From the Effects of Sexual Abuse
Compiled by Genoveva Scordi
Forward
This book has been calling me to bring it forth for decades. The purpose of the pages to follow is to provide hope and possible pathways for others to heal and reclaim ALL THAT WAS TAKEN from us via molest, incest, and/or rape.
I have found that most of us came to the conclusion that we deserved such treatment. Something we said, did, how we dressed, smiled, moved, how our body had developed, etc. must have upset, intrigued, or angered our perpetrators. We claimed responsibility for their actions. Thus we were ashamed and tried to bury our feelings and thoughts deep within our BEING (often a tiny being). Many of us never spoke of the abuse, keeping the secret (often threatened to do so), hoping it would go away. As a child there was safety in my silence. This no longer holds true for the adult me. I MUST speak up in order to heal.
Each personal story/chapter is preceded by an outline allowing for ease of discovering connections to your own: Type of Abuse, Age, Sex, Religion, Culture, Sexual Identity, Family Dynamics, and Healing Methods and Process. It is also meant to provide symmetry in presentation. Pseudonyms were allowed to protect the identities of some who participated in this creation. Many of us are still in hiding or chose our silent space for internal security. The specific details of each abuse were not allowed to inhibit possible perpetrator enticement.
The 13 stories in this book were chosen to provide a wide array of types of abuse, methods of healing, effects of the abuse, race, color, religious background, country, etc. The hope is that you will relate to a story or stories, dissolving the isolation, and thus the shame, that is created by sexual abuse. Each story posted is in the hand of that one person. The names listed in this book are of all those who stood up and submitted their story, outline, or name thus givingthemselves a voice.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! My greatest wish is that through this connectedness we will find missing pieces, forgotten dreams and discover our own path for healing within these stories. Here’s to no longer punishing ourselves for something we did not ask for.
It’s never too late. LET’S RECLAIM OUR VIRGINITY, TOGETHER!
Genoveva
A Gift from the Night Sky
We ALL have Angels (please insert your preferred word) available and accessible at any time. As I was looking up into the night sky (as I do almost every night) I noticed that the stars were suddenly expanding into an Angelic appearance. The larger, brighter ones were easier to see. They would expand and retract the rays emanating from them as I spoke, appearing to dance with Joy as a response. This opened my heart to the wonderment of a child. I suddenly felt so safe and supported for who I am as a being. No judgment, just pure divine love was radiating towards me. Enveloping me in a peace my soul has longed to feel.
Each night since then, I look forward to my heavenly experience. I’ve learned to feel their presence beneath a cloudy sky. One night I asked, “How many of you are there?” They answered, “As many as there are stars in the sky on a dark, moonless night, and then some. More than enough for everyone and we are always here.”
I hope that you will look into the night sky and someday feel the celestial love and support I now know in my heart to be true and available at any time.
A word of endorsement:
Reclaiming My Virginity is an important and courageous work. This book paves the way for healing and wholeness for the innocent who have suffered what they should never have experienced.
It is a gift.
Sonia Choquette
Author of
The Answer is Simple
Love Yourself Live your Spirit
The Power of Your Spirit
Read Life
My Outline
Outline: Fill in the blanks and circle or check your answers. This will be at the front of each story. If you do not want to write a story but want you voice to be heard via your name listed, just fill out the outline and submit it to be counted. If that is more than you can do, go to the bottom of the Outline and follow the directions.
First Name or Pseudonym: Genoveva Scordi
Age(s) of Abuse: 18 mo, 4-9 yrs, 25-36 yrs.
Gender (at the time of abuse): Female
Sexual Orientation (at the time of abuse and now): Heterosexual, Lesbian
Family of Origin – Culture, Religion, Country, Family make-up- (who lived in your home), Extended family dynamics: I am of Italian decent and raised in a Christian household, I lived w/ my Mother, Father, brother and sister. My mother’s family were a big part of my upbringing. We live in California, U.S.A.
Chosen Current religion(s): My beliefs no longer follow one religion, but rather a blending of the gentlest parts of all. I consider myself a Spiritual being guided by a Great Spirit.
The Abuse:
Perpetrator(s) Note: if you are uncomfortable naming the relationship please just indicate family member or non-family member. Father, caregivers, Men who were supposedly “Friends”
Was there more than 1? (Y/N) How about later in life? (Y/N)
Location(s): XHome _Extended Family Home X Friends XDaycare _In community (_Church, _School, _Club, _Sports Other __________
Types of abuse- XPhysical, XMental, XEmotional, XSexual, Disfigurement etc (please no details)
Frequency and duration of sessions and period of abuse (how many months/years.) My sexual abuse was sporadic in nature within the timeframes listed above. I never knew when it would occur.
Did there seem to be a trigger for the perpetrator? Did they give you a “reason” for the “session”? As a child, anger was the trigger, as an adult it was purely their desire regardless of my wishes or words.
How are your current /ongoing sexual relationships? _Positive/loving, _Neutral, _Abusive, XNot currently in a relationship, _No desire for sexual relationship
XDo you feel you have to “give in” to anyone who wants you? XDo you avoid sex at all costs? _Do you jump at most/all sexual opportunities?
Support system – Who are your “Safe” people? My therapists, a few friends…I keep mostly to myself. I trust my siblings and my son but not with my past secrets. As I don’t want drama or input. For me, this is my journey and I feel safer keeping it quiet and close to my heart.
Memories: Did you always have access to the memories of the abuse? _YES/NO, or Did your brain “protect you” with amnesia? YES/NO If so, at what age did the “memories/flashbacks” begin to emerge? Around 25 yrs. of age.
This part may make many people uncomfortable, but this book is about bringing everything out into the open. Only then, can true healing take place, thus allowing the cycle of abuse to stop. Most perpetrators were victims themselves and we will explore that healing further in another book. Let me know if you are interested in participating in that project. YES/NO
Did you ever touch another child? _Yes/No How old were you?_9yrs old How old was the child? 6 Why did you do so? (What were you feeling/ thinking at that time?) XWere you happy to share a “good feeling” or __Angry and didn’t want to be the only one? Or _______
Did you see or experience something that you shouldn’t have at an early age that made you curious to explore the actions/feelings? Yes/No
Option without writing a story but suggested for everyone; Write these words on the line below “I am one of Many, I am not alone! Sign your name/pseudonym. You will be listed in this edition of the book.
I am one of many, I am not alone!
Genoveva Scordi
My Story
By Genoveva Scordi
I was born the first child, grandchild, niece, etc. I was “special” in the ranking of the family to come. I’m sure I was doted on in the beginning, but I am told that I was very content to be left alone in my playpen outside with my best friend, “Monroe” my grandparent’s dog, close by. He would protect me from strangers, not allowing them to come near me. Ironically, it wasn’t the strangers I needed protection from, but rather friends, family, and others meant to care for me.
I am writing under a pseudonym, not out of embarrassment, but, quite the opposite. I no longer chose to be a victim of those who would deny my story and try to force me back into the dark corners from which I am now free. Genoveva Scordi is a name derived from my roots and the name given to me by a gentle teacher I had in 7th grade, who wanted everyone to experience the joy of singing. He told us, “It says, ‘Make a joyful noise unto the world!’ There’s nothing about perfect pitch.” This was so wonderful to hear as the year before during 6th-grade chorus practice, I was singled out and told, “You, don’t sing, just mouth the words”.
I want to begin by saying that all of the memories of my abuse were inaccessible to me until my mid-twenties. IT IS POSSIBLE, NOT TO REMEMBER! Many studies are proving that our brain, in its infinite capabilities, will protect us from that which we cannot handle at that time. As a child, we have nothing to attach what is happening to us to, so we tuck away these confusing and painful experiences with no words to express them. And so it begins….
My “memories” began to emerge in various forms during my mid to late twenties. Flashbacks (visual, auditory, physical, and emotional) could, and still do, happen at any time usually triggered by something going on in my environment. A song, scent, tone of voice, sequence of words, TV show or Movie, hearing someone else’s story, or some other random event can stop my mind in its tracks and take me back decades. At first, I truly believed that I was crazy, but it was all so real. Every fiber of my body would react as if I was reliving it all over again, but where in my brain are the memories? How could I “forget”? Then I read, “The Brain That Changes Itself” by Norman Doidge, FRCPC. I was finally free to believe my body’s memory. With this acknowledgment, I was able to begin healing from the inside, out.
My earliest flashback was that of around 18 months. I was fondled while my diaper was being changed by a close family friend. The next memories began the string of my sexual experience and knowledge. I use the word knowledge because I had to remember which perpetrator preferred what. If I mixed up the techniques or preferences amid my father, a babysitter’s brother, later another babysitter’s husband and his brother, my little body would pay dearly. I would be ravaged and left with the command to, “Clean up this mess!” This included putting bloodied bedding immediately into the washer. I would have to say that I wet the bed if questioned by the women in the house. My father was a consistent customer, but the babysitters changed when we moved. The second “caregivers” used the sexual assaults as my punishment for whatever I had done wrong. This was in lieu of being lined up with my brother and their sons, struck with a belt while bent over with pants dropped. I had stopped reacting satisfactorily to the swats. What can I say; I was stubborn and didn’t want anyone to know that they had gotten to me. In retrospect, I the belt was nothing in comparison and, the pain went away much sooner.
One childhood memory that remained with me throughout the years was; at the age of 4 while taking a bath with my younger brother, somehow the plug came out and the water started going down the drain. I began to scream in terror, standing up towards the back of the tub. My father rushed in asking what had happened. I indicated the water going down the drain and I was afraid I would go with it; down to the Devil. My father made a circle with his thumb and index finger and tersely asked, “Can you fit through this? Can your whole body fit through this?” I said, “No.” He said, “Then you can’t fit down the drain”. He put the plug back in and refilled the tub for us to finish our bath. I don’t remember anyone ever asking me why I thought “I was going down to the Devil” at age 4.
My memories indicate that all molestation stopped abruptly at the age of 9 when my pubic hair began to emerge. This was confusing as I was now accustomed to the “attention” from these men and my father and feelings of being “discarded” filled my heart. This brought a flood of mixed emotions and thoughts of being: Grateful yet, Useless, Irrelevant, Unwanted, No good, Ugly, Bad Girl, Nasty, Abandoned, Free… but Alone!
Thanks to the God-given power of the mind to tightly close the doors on such trauma, I soon had no memories of sexual interaction. Although, the label of being a “problem child” was deeply embedded in my young psyche. This belief system would haunt me for decades to come and can still rear its ugly head in stressful times.
This blanket of forgetfulness allowed me to believe I was a “good girl”, otherwise known as a Virgin. I was raised in a Christian family in which your virginity was expected at the time of marriage. I did my part of keeping all would-be boyfriends at arms distance and frustratingly cutting them off sexually just prior to penetration. I allowed many other ways of “satisfaction” for their desires, but No One was going to take the virginity I truly believed I had. Who would want damaged goods?
I had the “normal sexual desires and my first kiss at 14. There was a short string of “boyfriends’ who would promptly drop me when I stopped them short of intercourse. This hurt so much as I was trying to be a “good girl” and was confused as to why all the guys could care less about my maintaining my virginity. Didn’t they all want to marry a virgin?
Then in college, I was raped, became pregnant and thankfully the fetus spontaneously aborted at 2 months (apparently 75% of all first pregnancies self-terminate). I kept all of this to myself as I was now “damaged goods”. (*See the true intensity of the story, later resurfaced, in Appendix A). At the end of the semester, I took a break in the middle of my Mater’s program and went back home. As I wasn’t a Virgin any longer I no longer stopped any man from being pleasured and found they didn’t care about me and only came back for the sex. I felt dirtyand disgusting and wondered how I “knew” what to do for them during all the sexual acts. I despised myself and started drinking.
I found a counselor through an AA meeting. I began meeting with her and we hit it off as friends and discontinued therapy to allow for the friendship. She took me to meet her family, husband, and 2 young children. I enjoyed hanging out with them on the weekends, but my sexual feelings for her were increasing. She assured me that it was OK as they had an “open” relationship (whatever that meant). I soon found out, as what I expected to be a sexual interlude between her and me, turned into a proposed threesome with her husband as he climbed into the bed. I was to be enjoyed by both of them. I withdrew in tears and curled up in a ball. From that point on I felt as if my only purpose in friendships was to serve others sexually. I stayed in that “ball” for years to come not letting anyone in or me out.
This conflict of truths and the extreme pain in the abuse lead to my having 200+ personalities. Many came in clusters/groups created to survive especially traumatic events. These personalities would run my life for decades to come. We are now “incorporated “and usually run a functional life. At times they (combined with inherited ADHD) can make it difficult to handle certain projects and responsibilities, but We do it
Quick synopsis: By the age of 6, five different men had used my body for their enjoyment. In my life and to this day I have only willingly enjoyed encounters with 4 different people. 3 of whom I felt love and 1 I liked, but was a one-night stand just because. He was the first gentle-man and the only one who ever had my full permission instead of submission. Let’s not even touch on the topic of husbands of good friends who prey on people who feel they are damaged goods. Yes, I participated, but I went home and stomached the pain of the betrayal. Anorexia became my disease and can still haunt me, to this day.
Finally, I met a woman who truly loved and cared about me as a person. During our first sexual encounter, after I had satisfied her sexual desires, I rolled over to go to sleep and she said, “That’s not how this works. You deserve to feel the same enjoyment.” I couldn’t believe how wonderful sex or rather true lovemaking could feel. I had the first orgasm of which I have knowledge. I felt whole and truly loved for the first time. I was 25 and had been “in service” for 21 years. Our relationship spanned many years in an on-again, off-again pattern. This was always under her control and on her timeline.
I ended up sticking with women as they didn’t hurt me physically. Emotionally, yes, physically, no. There was a huge part of me that wished I could be with a man, but the flashbacks were happening deep in my psyche. Men began to frighten me whenever they paid attention to me. I didn’t feel it was ‘right’ to explore a relationship as I was sure I would “freeze up”. I had no idea why, but felt pursuing anything wouldn’t be fair to them.
I was later with another woman in a committed relationship for 5 years. At first, the sex was incredible and beyond my wildest dreams. About 3 years into the relationship I began having occasional flashbacks during our once breathtaking lovemaking. She would feel discarded and that I didn’t care. I didn’t know what was happening. Then as my MPD began to be apparent, she couldn’t accept that she was with a ‘crazy person’. She withdrew and found other women to meet her needs. She moved out and I got the ranch and all the animals and decided to focus on raising my son. No more relationships for me until he was 18. I believe, from my own upbringing, it’s unfair to drag children through the ups and downs of our lover relationships. We end up trying to find somewhere to leave them while we are dating. Then we bring home an unrelated person, who may be gone in a month or worse, we all get attached and then they leave. So I filled my home with teenage foster youth and gave my life a new purpose, fulfilling my promise to my foster mother to “Do this for another child, Pay it forward”.
I had a short fling, when I took a break from the kids, with an attractive alcoholic woman who was everything I ever dreamed of in a partner (withholding the addictions). The problem was that she only wanted me sexually when she was drunk or under the influence. It was painful as I could sense a deep loving connection to her, in sober times. Finally realizing that she would never admit her feelings and that I was just kidding and punishing myself by fanaticizing the relationship of my dreams, I walked away and began truly taking care of myself.
A friend once shared a funny quip that she told her teenage son when he queried about her sexuality; “As I see it, there’s Heterosexual, Homosexual and “No-Mo sexual”. I have claimed the latter as my status for 23 years and am now ready to venture forth once again with a renewed mindset.
Being a multiple has cost me in relationships throughout the years. I am currently single and after many years of raising my son and numerous foster teenagers, I am content to living alone in the mountains with my animals. Most of the kids, now adults, still come around but I am now focused on expanding my healing modalities in energy work. This allows me to facilitate healing wherever I am. My morning ritual is on my balcony facing the mountains as the sun rises. I send out whatever comes to me, mostly healing and loving light to everyone who needs it.
A gift that never left was my connection with my “Best Friend”, Jesus of Nazareth. As I mentioned before, I was raised in a “Christian” home. I didn’t have the typical relationship with Jesus as is taught in church. If I called, I could always depend on Him to be there, to hold and comfort me in my most painful times. I still vividly remember one morning He had been in my dreams and as I awoke I could see Him sitting on the side of my bed. He said, “You will be okay, I am always with you and love you.” He stroked my face, arose, and ascended through my window on the rays of the morning light. I called out, “Don’t go!” and longed to go and be with Him. As I reflect on this experience, I think it was at the end of my childhood sexual abuse. That may have been the moment I “became a Virgin, again” with all the torturous memories gone. I felt love and longed to go with Him, but knew He was real and my life’s companion. This memory has served me well throughout this lifetime. Jesus was always there at my darkest times, reminding me who I am. He has been my best friend and big brother, always protecting me and setting me back on my path anytime I veer too far off. He taught me to view all circumstances as “Is this loving and kind? To all involved in this situation? If not, turn and walk away.” I was given free will to get to the point of realization, but never had a tolerance for being “off my path” for more than 18 months at a time.
My spiritual path has been my saving grace with a wide range of experiences. Each new endeavor has given me the gifts I needed at that time. Each one a step further up my ladder towards higher realms and spiritual closeness with a Devine source of Energy, Life and Light. At this point, I have turned my life over to the guidance of the Spiritual Deity and am trusting that I am loved and will be cared for by the presence that saved my life as a child. I return to that child-like Spirit who always thought “Jesus will take care of me, He’s my best friend and He loves me.
Please understand that stating that Jesus is my best friend is not meant to minimize anyone else’s beliefs. This is my, personal, relationship with a Divine being whose presence in my life kept me alive. This also does not identify me with any religious concept. My spiritual practice is as constantly evolving as I am. As Wayne Dyer would often quote, “I am a Spiritual Being having a Human experience.”
I have the past behind me, as it should be. I did what I did when I did it, in the frame of mind I was in at the time. I cannot judge myself for that state of mind as I am no longer that person in that situation. This is not an excuse. It is a fact. Our past experiences should be our best teachers. Hopefully, we are ready to create a glorious future for ourselves. I love in the Lion King when Rafiki says, “Put your past behind you. That’s why they call it “the past”!
I wouldn’t trade anything for my journey now. I am excited to see what I am guided to do in the days and years to come. It is my eternal prayer that this book will assist millions of others to feel heard, counted, healed and cherished. The energy of all who have been named in this book will assist others as we’ll all heal together. Blessings, Genoveva
My Healing
Healing Methods: Spiritual Development-Growth and Trainings, Psychotherapy, EMDR, Hypnosis, Body Work, Jin Shin Jyutsu, Theta Healing, Network Chiropractics, Meditation, Past Life Regression, Medication
Healing Process:
*The pronouns I and We may be intermittently used from here on out as “they” assist with the remainder of this story.
As I mentioned earlier, my first hints of “what’s wrong with me”, were in college around the time of my Master’s program. I found myself sliding down the hall wall and sitting in the clinic where our classes for psychology, audiology, and speech-language pathology were held. It seemed that everything was screaming inside of me. I drew in my legs to a tight ball and tried to disappear. People were passing back and forth and I felt as if I could fade into the wall. I don’t remember anyone saying or doing anything, but I knew that I was at the point that I needed help. There was a counseling center on campus and I made an appointment with my first psychologist. She was wonderful and truly saved my life by knowing immediately that I needed some form of medication as I was becoming unable to separate reality from what was going on inside my mind. I was fortunately prescribed a miracle drug for me. Within 12 hours it had taken effect and I remember walking to classes thinking, ‘Is this how everyone experiences the world? Wow, I can totally handle this!’ I finally felt contained in my body. My mind and thoughts were clear. This was truly a new lease on life. Although I’m aware that many new healing techniques are coming forth, my process began in the early 1980s when the medication I was prescribed was a match for me. It cleared my thoughts into a more cohesive stream rather than a raging river after a flooding storm. My former thoughts crashed into each other like the water off of rocks. Going somewhere fast, serving more as a form of erosion than a source of life.
I finished school with my Master’s Degree and returned home, again, to a small mountain town in San Diego. Three years later I had to move down into “the city” of San Diego as my job as a substitute had ended. I was able to wean off the medication and use it just as a PRN (as needed) at a very low dose. I knew it was time to find a new therapist and truly get into my “issues”. I found Betsy, who was the saving grace of my life to this day. Throughout the decades of therapy with her, I was exposed to bodywork, breathwork, EMDR, and hypnosis. At some point, the personalities came forth and Betsy handled them all with respect and love. She was a master at listening and resolving their issues; never discounting anyone. As I said before, there were individuals and groups. Daisy is a bright sweet child who often spoke for many of the ‘little ones’. There were also dark, formidable beings that just wanted to be heard. This process took years to allow. Some only came up once, others were regular visitors to the therapy sessions. Later I was introduced to my Quorum of 13. Apparently, they have kept watch over me throughout my life; Protecting my life essence so that I would fulfill my life calling as a healer in many aspects.
Some had knowledge of all the violating incidents and others, hidden in the deeper recesses, only knew of their event. Groups of 5 children were formed at the times of the more violent events. There is one personality for each of the 5 senses, as no one-being could handle it all in the beginning or if anger was extreme in the abusers.
Within the “protectors” were the extremely kind and loving beings and also the formidable, dark, and defiant energies. The Dark ones were angry and could turn on me causing self-abuse in many forms. This abuse ranged from negative self-talk to physical abuse of self and/or suicide attempts. This all peaked with the final rape at age thirty which resulted in a pregnancy and the birth of her son. (See Appendix A for that story) Of course, this event intensified the situation, but since we had been working for a few years with Betsy and a contract of “No hurting Genoveva” had been established, we had parameters. I’m not saying that the self-abuse stopped totally, but it was definitely in check and would be reported to Betsy. One time we checked into a mental facility for a week and found no reason to stay. They didn’t understand us and we weren’t “crazy” like we viewed the other patients to be. I was offered a 3-week inpatient program for abused women, but I preferred to get back to work before anyone suspected where we had been.
Usually, there were very responsible and predictable personalities in charge. Always weighing out the pros and cons to each situation and how it should best be handled. Attention was not to be called to our behaviors. Funny- I truly have no idea how much I don’t recall. When some of the personalities come up, I don’t know what is happening. I’ve learned to nod and agree with people when they relate a story of something I said or did. I don’t like those moments because I think to myself, ‘Wow, if only they knew the real reason I don’t remember, they’d think/know I’m ‘crazy’. I keep our corporation a secret in my daily life. Prior to writing this book, only a handful of people actually knew of my disorder. At the time of my diagnosis, it was called Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). It has since been changed to Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). We, the corporation and Genoveva, don’t’ like the new title as it feels as if we are being discounted as individuals with thoughts and brains.
Inspired by Betsy, outside of therapy I continued to expand my healing and thus knowledge of other practices. I took a 16-hour workshop entitled, “The Way of the Female Warrior”, taught by Jan Kennedy, Ph.D. It was based on her book, which became my bible, “Touch Of Silence: A Healing From The Heart. In the final workshop, she taught us Jin Shin Jyutsu, a practice of using gentle touch to move energy within the body. I loved it so much I became her assistant for years to come. Many years later, I learned Theta Healing. It reawakened the abilities within me that healed not only me but also, animals and people, from afar. A friend of mine, also trained in Theta Healing, and I enjoyed trading healing sessions as well as working remotely on others. In one of our more intensive sessions, during “my turn”, I was angry that Jesus hadn’t spared me from the abuse. She asked me what I wanted from Him. I replied, “An Apology!” She said, “Well, ask Him”. When I did, His reply was, “I’m sorry…..that you had to go through all that. But it made you who you are today with the knowledge and understanding to go forth and heal others. You are a good person and you are deeply loved.” I wrote, “You Are a Good Person, JC”, on my bathroom mirror. It is still there today as a reminder that there is a gift in every experience if we are willing to look past our pain.
After the abuse, the most challenging thing I’ve ever dealt with was the process of integrating (or “Incorporating” as they have agreed to call it) my 200+ personalities. This was decades of work with my incredibly kind, caring, intuitive, and committed therapist, Betsy. It was years before they trusted both of us enough to come forth (although they were really acting out) and decades more of uncovering them as individuals or groups of 5. Years were spent learning about their initiation (the incident which brought them forth), their roles in my life, allowing all who desired to have a voice to be/feel heard, and finally achieving a consensus to “Incorporate”. We are now a company.
At the time of this writing, Betsy has retired but handed me off to another incredibly insightful therapist, Terri. The Company liked and respected her from the beginning. At the point of our 2nd session, I told her about the calling of this book. She has been a guiding light beyond measure and I know I couldn’t have done this without her by my side.
Current Challenges-What I need to work on next:
Closed Heart: For almost 20 years now, I’ve chosen to live with a heart closed to love. I’m realizing right now that the closure has affected all my relationships. Due to my fear of being in an intimate relationship and having flashbacks with the resulting behaviors, I’ve cut myself off from fully loving anyone. This includes my own son and the child within me. I haven’t let anyone close for decades. I care for and about them and help/serve whenever I can. I hide in my mountain home, alone w/my animals, unafraid of being alone.
During the work of writing my story, I have had instances of my heart seemingly cracking open, little fragments at a time. I quickly mend those breeches. Lately though, I’m wondering why and am frightened as I sense an ‘earthquake’ within my soul is about to achieve a 9 or 10 on the rector scale. I’m so afraid to let love in. Yet, there remains a small little voice of a child buried long ago saying, “I love you, mommy. May I please come out and play? Will you hold me and rock me gently once again?” I don’t know if I can do this, but if I’ve had the strength to write this book, maybe I can weather the storm of learning to love.
Clutter: Just before acknowledging the calling to write this book, I began to notice the chaos around me. So much stuff gathered by so many within me. Up until recently, I continued to collect and maintain everyone’s discards because “It’s perfectly good and I may need it someday for myself or someone else”. As I write my story, I’m one year into decluttering my life, but most people would think I’ve done nothing and classify me as a “hoarder”. There’s so much to clear out. I truly wish I could do as my teachers say, “If you don’t use it or love it, let it go!” “Don’t think about needing it as soon as you get rid of it, because you’ll just manifest that situation. Let go!”
I know my clutter is about being able to hide. I’ve felt on edge at times when I clear a room and have open space. One morning, I watched my outdoor, wild cat, dart from one concealing place to another as she made her way across the “wide open” area eluding any possible predators. I, too, am always making sure I have a space to hide or disappear so that I can’t be seen. If they can’t see me they can’t hurt me.
If I have a great day of decluttering, it feels good to walk into that area. There’s more light and wonderful energy. Often though, the clutter begins to fill the void again. Not as much as before, but the clear spaces become invaded once more. It’s a metaphor for my life. I still don’t feel safe being wide open. I still hide so much of who I am as a person. I’ve told more here in this book than I’ve ever spilled out anywhere else. So many secrets to keep under wraps that it can be exhausting and isolating. One day I hope to truly trust the Powers that Be and let it all go, standing with my arms wide open and feeling safe. I’m not there, yet, but at least I’m closer and can see it for myself. It’s my path, at my speed because it’s my life and I’ll dance if I want to.
I guess that’s like our healing process and life in general: there’s always more to learn and more to discard in order to have a free space to breathe. Breath is Life! Take a deep breath now and exhale whatever you are holding on to. We’ve Got This!
Gifts from the abuse:
I had the lifesaving and changing experience of being sent to and raised by an incredibly loving African-American foster family. My life softened in their care and I embraced a culture which feeds my soul.
I have a first-hand understanding of what trauma and/or the belief of trauma can have on a person’s life and their seemingly unrealistic reactions to situations. I haven’t walked in anyone else’s specific shoes, so I have no right to judge.
My original molestations created the basis of my true empathy and understanding of the profound effects sexual abuse can have. Regardless of age something is taken from the victim that can NEVER be replaced or restored to sameness. Feelings seem unreasonable in range. It took over 200 personalities to handle my own, and I’ve heard far worse stories than mine.
The resurfacing of my childhood traumas taught me that complete amnesia can be a protective function of the brain so that we can move forward in our lives.
In both instances, I gained empathy and understanding of the myriad of effects as well the true nature and strength of a soul’s desire to live another day. And, conversely, how easy it is to be on the precipice of choosing not to continue in this life. It was all hard to live through and sometimes the healing seems even harder and continually out of reach. I’m grateful I’ve stayed long enough to join with others in reclaiming our voice and all that was taken.
The saving grace of my Spiritual connectedness brought me closer to my Higher Power and all the Angels and ancestors on the other side. I learned to be true to myself and to trust my “gut feelings” about any and all situations.
Gifts brought forth in writing your story:
I have deeply processed through many more of my painfully abusive episodes and gained a greater understanding of my reactions. I have healed at a deeper level and learned the story of Annabelle, the Angel of my forgetfulness (listed below). Through the contact with her, I have become more blended into my company, which remains a work in progress.
This experience is creating a peace within my soul that I know will grow larger as I read the completed book, with all the experiences from around the world. Then I will truly understand that I am not alone.
The story of Annabelle– Many years ago during therapy, I was reliving my most extreme episode of abuse by the angered babysitters. As it concluded and I was left alone, yet, I could a sense an energy of peace come over me. This would be an experience that changed everything. I felt a feminine presence come in and teach me of the truly intended joy of sensual contact. I now know that this took place after the conclusion of what would be, the last sexual tirade on my little body.
During a recent therapy session, I went back to the 9-year-old me and asked about the experience. I only knew it had to do with a loving woman showing me that sexual experiences could be gentle and pleasurable. I could never figure out who she was until we ventured back during this session. Turns out, it was Annabelle, an angel sent to heal my body inside and out from the devastation rendered upon it through the years. Not only was my body healed, but the memories were removed. In essence, I was given back my innocence and virginity. Her gentle “touch” left a knowing that sexual experiences could be pleasurable and gentle. She had also set up the “being caught” the first and only time that I sexually touched another child. I thought I was sharing something wonderful. Being caught and my mother’s horrified reaction, told me it was wrong and I never did it again. Thank you, Annabelle, for your past and present visits. Thank you for the healing and great eraser allowing me to feel “good” about myself; for a while or at least until I could handle it all. Annabelle recently facilitated the blending of the Company and Genoveva. For the first time in my memory, I feel whole.
It was through my further investigation of my perpetration on another child, that the memory of Annabelle and her actions came forth. This has been another key to an additional door I’ve been afraid to unlock, let alone, open. This was a ‘dirty little secret” that only my mother knew and we never discussed it. I can now understand how “innocent” or angry/purposeful perpetration can begin. A minuscule few, if any, come into this life planning to inflict such devastation upon another innocent being. In my (maybe misinformed) mind, we were all born innocent and until something in life triggers a reaction, we remain as such. I’m open to hearing others’ thoughts on this matter and they will go into the next book to help perpetrators heal. We need to be in this and heal together if we hope to STOP the repetition.
Hopes for my future:
My greatest hopes are that I’ve made a difference by compiling “Reclaiming My Virginity” and to hear stories of expanded healing through bringing all invested in this book together. We are united in a common goal of becoming whole and thus decreasing our isolation and its resulting desolation. Hopefully, lives will be spared, changed for the better and the frequency of this type of abuse will decline, rapidly henceforth.
I hope that I heal enough to acknowledge and love myselves to our fullest potential. I want to be secure enough in who I am as a being, that I come out from my hiding places, throw my arms open wide, and say, “Here I AM, All of ME!” and know that I can be loved.
At this moment, I remain single and happy as I continue to work on the integration of my-selves as well as my spiritual growth and understanding of Divine support. I have recently retired from 38 years of teaching and finally after 23 years single, am now interested in exploring a relationship with another woman. I feel that I truly understand and am secure within myself.
I try to always remember two basic rules: “Ask and you shall receive” and “That which you focus on, will and must come forth.” So, I need to know what I want, before I ask and receive.